A Different Theology

Love of my life

2009-07-04T04:06:00.002-05:00

Look deep in My eyes...
Beloved- Tenth Avenue North

Age to age He stands and time is in His Hands

2009-06-28T00:35:00.002-05:00

Beginning and the End, Beginning and the End
How Great is Our God- Seventh Day Slumber

I have never watched the Father cry as I have tonight. With clarity that can only be attributed to empathic connection, I can only stand in silence as my Dad weeps for me. For me.

He knows my hurt. The God of Creation is no stranger to my pain and I never realized that until tonight.

I was around someone I shouldn't have been tonight and I made mistakes I shouldn't have made. I didn't think it would affect me, I hardly ever feel guilt for anything. This isn't guilt.

A few careless words, a touch, and all the while, God ached for me. I knew it wasn't something to pursue and yet, I chose. Here's the thing, the kicker. God isn't punishing me. God isn't angry at me.

He's so devastated. Devastated that He isn't enough. So devastated that He turned away and said, "Here, little Israel. If you think you want this so much more than Me." And with that, I got what I thought I wanted. The whole time Dad sat down and held his head. To think that the God of the Omniverse pitied me, saw my loneliness, and put my feelings before His. How utterly ridiculous. Just as history has shown, Little Israel finds as many gods as it needs, and I, the lowest, am no different.

Elohim, Yahweh, I AM. That Which Was and Is reached down to me. The burning bush smiled upon me and offered me a dance in that River of Life.

I read some of Jeremiah a few days ago. God pleads with His people. Why? How utterly nonsensical? God, who placed such stringent laws on His Worship in the end chose to look past those to me, who could have never lived up to them.

I wanted another chance to make two worlds meet and now I realize how pathetic that is. It is a lesson I will have to learn again, and again. But perhaps this lesson, learning how my Father looks at what I want, what I ache for, and mourns that loss with me; perhaps that will remain.

Now it's you in the mirror and you don't recognize your face

2009-06-25T03:20:00.002-05:00

And you're looking for a reason not to throw it all away
The Moment of Truth- Matthew West

As a writer, when I put words down I have to own them. It's something more for me to write something because, no matter what, it represents honesty. As I write for characters, I give them a sense of integrity by showing how they want to feel, by giving them life. As a poet (an admittedly awful one) I know the symbols that words can be. In my finite knowledge of what language is, I hold something of a firmer grasp than most. It is, after all, a hobby and a love.

Which is perhaps why it's taken so long from the last blog post to now. To say this would be to own it, which is something I'd rather not do. However, I'm finding that the longer I own it the more I'm messing it up. So, here. It's now in your lap to do with as you please. Mainly, my thoughts center around this: what has been lost vs. what has been gained, and not in the cutesy Jesus sense either. I'm afraid that side of it hasn't touched my thoughts yet. No, I'm possibly being extremely selfish in this.

It's about love. I know I've done it before, the whole emotional gushy stuff. It was an enjoyable experience despite my best efforts to make you believe otherwise. But I can't replicate it. I can't do it again. I'm afraid that if I really really give God everything, then He'll actually take it. If He takes everything, that means it's all His. This whole, "Maybe eventually God will throw me a bit of slack here and I can do what I want, which will make me happy and make me WANT to worship Him instead of just feel the need."

But that's not how it works. I don't like that.

I may not ever get over my sins enough to have a real relationship. I have to look at that as a real possibility. God isn't going to punish me for no reason, but He may be correcting me. Can I really do this? I can look back and see how easy it's been so far, at least to what's ahead. Even in all my screw ups, this is the beginning.

Which also means it's not decided yet. It doesn't have to crash and burn because I have doubts in myself, but it doesn't have to be a life lived in doubt either. I know that much. But it's these smaller things that get in the way. The things I want so desperately.

It's like I have to ask, can I really be pleased in life? It's like I'm always looking back. How passive it sounds, as if I haven't any neck muscles at all! As if I have no will of my own. You see, I can refute my own words, but I find it so much more difficult to live up to them. I'm on the fence, just looking for some sort of tangible hope either way.

God, hold me fast if I find it the opposite direction. I'm ready to bolt at something, anything. Don't let me run.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all

2009-04-22T18:14:00.002-05:00

Why make me feel like this? It's definitely all your fault.
The Walk- Imogen Heap

It's not really much that's kept me from blogging. A small thing that has started as all small things do and grew into a much larger thing that really had no reason to be. As mole hills become mountains I found myself at a very low state.

The smallest thing being shame. Interesting how that happens. I do something wrong and instantly believe that what I do defines who I am and since I'm stuck in a rut, I'm only a rut, and a rut isn't worth anything.

Amusing how fast one can get inebriated at a pity party. Let's just say I'm a good host and I make sure I have enough to go around. Being the only one here, of course, I can't let a drop go to waste.

Instead of two words I utter hundreds of ill-thought curses and frustrations. Instead of believing who I am I hide in the shelter of what I do, and as someone who is addicted to self-inflicted punishments, that's more a comfort than it sounds.

To be exposed for who I am, and to see myself in God's eyes, that is truly terrifying.

Not only because I'm loved, but because the God of the Universe took such a careful risk with me. Saving me over someone else, handing me keys to life and telling me to go and unlock the doors, and hoping I'll do as I'm told.... what an incredible heart-wrenching, edge of your seat suspense.

God is not a chessmaster, He is a lover of the most intimate kind. This intimate Partner banked love on my obedience and reflected love. What a destructive and life-giving responsibility. I carry around the death of Christ in my body so that I also can house the life of Christ.

I think now I see more as to why I'm afraid to see myself as God sees me. In shame, I know I can hold up the responsibility. I only have to hate myself. How much harder is it to love everyone, whisper the seductive secret to Life Eternal, to show just how God bursts with desire for all to be saved...

It's terrifying. It's almost paralyzing. No wonder Jesus had to leave us with comforting words. To die, knowing that risk was played out in his own death and life...

No wonder we're told to be bold and courageous and that we're given all the strength we need. It's one thing to know that, it's another to take hold of it. I thought you could grab the Sword of the Spirit and never let go.

What a gamble for the Father to risk His creation by His creation. He saw the fall of man and still banked the future on us.

I think, with these words, He made the bet.

"I love them. I love Chris and I know he will chose Me. In the end, it wont be his mind, but his love for Me that gives him the strength to endure. The world will see that love never fails."

And with that, He gave me all that I needed to prove Him right.

After all, I know I can't prove Him wrong.

I'm lost as can be, then you look at me

2009-03-29T09:46:00.002-05:00

And I am not lost anymore.
Then You Look at Me- Celine Dion

Lately I'm struggling with this idea of who I am. I know, I guess that's not really a recent struggle, but it's been at the forefront. Who am I really? I feel as though I'm two separate people. I relate to Paul in that. I'm practically living Romans 7. When I fall it's not a quiet thing. It's loud, rambunctious, full of hatred and anger and self-loathing, and biting rage at God for being Sovereign over it all. I feel like I'm Christian Chris, who wishes nothing more than to simply love Christ, and F*** the world Chris, who indulges in sin like candy, then in anger, indulges even more in an attempt to anger God enough to disown me/destroy me. FTW (see earlier) Chris knows that God still loves him, but he hates that he doesn't think he's changed at all. He feels like he's always going to be the same sin, the same screw up. He doesn't believe he has faith at all, I mean, if he keeps going to sin, then how much does he really believe in God? If he had really been changed, wouldn't he care about what he did? You would think so. See, FTW Chris has a completely different demeanor than Christian Chris. Everything about him is different. There's no subtle changes, everything is a stark opposite. Middle of the Road Chris doesn't exist, it's always one of the two extremes.

But then there's Christian Chris. He doesn't read his Bible all the time, but he tries, not to check it off of a list, but to really study. He prays in an effort to really have communication with God and he's got his Jesus-centered playlist. It's not all to conform to Christians, but to really try to be like Christ. He's nothing like FTW Chris. He slips up, prays for forgiveness, and moves on.

So why the extremes? It's because there's something I've internalized, something that became so personal, something that inherently is personal. You see, we take certain sins and become an embodiment of them. For some it's alcohol (yes, let's use the obvious example). For me, it's sexuality. I don't honestly know who I am in that department. I try to be 'straight' but it just feels like I'm playing house or like I'm trying to conform. When I'm really upset, I go back to 'homosexual' thoughts. I want that sort of comfort because it's what I know and had appreciated. Yet now, that's not comforting. Neither sides of the fence appeal to me. Being alone seems to have it's perks, but I want so much to be a father at some point.

Some days one side of the fence feels ok, then other days, the other. Hence the confusion. But, as Celine reminded me this morning, I don't look for those labels to define me.

I look into God's eyes to define me. That doesn't always stop the hurt. Sometimes I'm searching His eyes for answers, but it's the moments that our eyes lock that define me. You see, I'm not Homosexual Chris. I'm not Straight Chris. I'm not FTW Chris. I'm not Religious Chris either.

I'm Beloved Chris. What an identity.

And you say you see
When you look at me
The reason you love life so
Though lost I have been
I find love again
And life just keeps on running
And life just keeps on running
You look at me and life comes
From...you

Thought I could do this on my own

2009-02-23T02:00:00.004-06:00

I've lost so much along the way
Pieces- Red

From The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (2008).

Narnia is in grave danger. Telmarines (shown as a militaristic people) have attacked and taken over and have hunted down many of the remaining Narnian survivors. A rebel group is hiding in Aslan's How and they're speaking at the Stone Table about what to do about the impending Telmarine attack. They're all deciding whether to attack and get it over with or try and just wait everything out in their fortress. Either way seems like a dire situation. An argument breaks out between Peter and Caspian about what to do. They can attack a seemingly impenetrable castle or be attacked. This dialogue happens as Lucy, who has been silent, speaks up.

Lucy: Aren't you all forgetting something?
Peter: Sorry?
Lucy: Well, you're all acting as if there are only two options: dying here, or dying there.
Peter: I'm not sure you've really been listening, Lu.
Lucy: No, you're not listening. Or have you forgotten who really defeated the White Witch, Peter?
Peter: I think we've waited for Aslan long enough...

Who really defeated the White Witch? It wasn't military might, the strength of the heart, or even defiance. Who really defeated the White Witch could not be controlled, could not be contained or predicted. Who really defeated the White Witch was not made by human hands and it certainly wasn't human either.

Aslan. The Lion Created before Creation. That Which Was during the citing of the Deep Magic. The Mane-Shaker and Liberation-Bringer. Who defeated the White Witch didn't need human hands, but brought them along the way. Peter, Edmund, Susan, and Lucy didn't go to find the Lion, Aslan called them. They simply found him when he declared so.

Peter stood his ground, but that final blow that defeated the White Witch that thousand years prior had been Aslan the Lion.

I hesitate to apply that to my God. I want to be the one to beat my sin. I want to do what's necessary and then stand victorious. I want to be the winner and then stand before Him and say, "Look, God! I won!" For some reason I think that will make my Father happy. For some reason, I think He would be proud.

Who really defeated the White Witch?

Or in my position, who really defeated pornography? Who really defeated homosexuality? Who really defeated lying? Who really defeated sin?

Deep down, I wonder how much I trust. I mean, look at it. I see the vast ocean of sin infront of me and begin to build my own boat. I'll cross it, I think to myself with the best of intentions. I'll really do good this time. I don't mean to be blasphemous, I just mean to be better. See, just like the White Witch, my sin comes back to me, encased in ice, and says to me, "Just take my hand. Just one drop of blood, that's it. Just a little." All I want to do is just reject it. That's all.

But who really defeated Sin?

This is where it gets tricky. We are called to be pure, but yet we are CALLED pure. We are called to live a life worthy of God, yet we are called worthy of God. It comes back to the trust issue. Do I trust that I am pure? Do I trust that I am holy?

Sometimes, it takes a shakey step forward. Sometimes, it takes a question mark at the end of the action. Sometimes, it takes wondering if it's right. No matter what, it always takes looking our Savior in the eyes. It always takes trust. Peter the disciple couldn't walk on water without looking into the eyes of Jesus. He defeated gravity and laws of nature by simply keeping his eyes locked with the eyes that saw him from before time began.

How much more can I live a life that is unmolested by sin by staring into the eyes of the One who saw sin and death defeated? I will fall, of that I have no doubt. But what do I have to fear? I still will, but why?

Tonight is just one shakey step forward.

When this life makes you wonder what have you got to lose

2009-02-16T16:44:00.002-06:00

Just go back, go back to the moment of truth.
The Moment of Truth- Matthew West

I have, for probably all of my Christian life, thought God to be so much like Morgan Freeman. I think it has something to do with the fact that I've seen Bruce Almighty (and now Evan Almighty), but I seriously get that image in my head.

Something about his voice and demeanor and stance just makes me think that when I get Home I really want God to take the form of Morgan Freeman and welcome me.

This carries over into my reading of the Bible. So as I'm reading Isaiah 37 I have an amazing moment.

Some background, King Hezekiah is under attack by Sennecherib, King of Assyria. More importantly, YHWH is under attack by slander and blashphemy. Israel is slightly terrified at this point and they go to Isaiah, who reminds them that God is in control (if you cue a Twila Paris song at this point, I may slap you).

But there's this amazing moment as God makes His rebuttal to Senny.

Think back to Batman Begins as Lucius Fox (portrayed by Morgan Freeman) is fired and the mean boss man simply smiles and says, "Didn't you get the memo?" In the end, poetic justice is served and Mr. Fox gets to look that man boss in the face and ask the very same question to him.

Now, after Sennecherib has hardcore blasted God and told all of Israel all the things he's done as king against other countries gods, this is what is said.

"Have you not heard? Long ago I ordained it. In the days of old I planned it; now I have brought it to pass."

And as, in my head, Morgan Freeman says those words with that soft yet smug grin, he ends with this statement. "Or didn't you get the memo?"

We go through trials and crazy crap in our lives and we wonder why. The worst things can happen and our faith is tested to limits we didn't even know we had. Whatever it is, our trials shake us and we're stunned.

But God just smiles and says, "Have you not heard? Long ago I ordained it. In days of old I planned it; now I have brought it to pass." It didn't catch God by surprise, just us. Though He threatens Sennecherib, He looks to us and whispers of salvation and how He's never going to let us fall. He speaks words of sweet redemption to us and wipes away our tears, saying, "Didn't you get the memo?"

It's in those moments where the Father laughs with us ever so reassuringly.

And I wonder what You think when You're staring down at me

2009-02-09T01:44:00.004-06:00

Is it time to intervene?
Eleven Regrets- Manic Drive

"What if they knew me like You do?"
Dirty honesty. It's time I fully take hold of the victory I've been given.

I'm afraid that after I post this I'm going to lose my closest friends who either misinterpret this as a cry for help or as a pity party. This is neither.
Having only had relationships with men, I'm absolutely terrified of having a girlfriend.
In all my relationships but one, I was judged as worthy by sexual performance. For a very long time, I never felt clean.
True honesty scares me because I often feel like I'm the worst person around.
When I fail in my struggle with pornography, I pray that God would end my life so I don't hurt like that again.
My mask is not that I'm ok, my mask is that my hurt is like yours. I don't often admit that my hurts are different.
I feel like a boy of God rather than a man of God. Yes there is a difference.
I'm also afraid that you haven't read even this far. If you have, I'm still scared you're going to leave me.
Having authority always makes me struggle with the desire to be important.
I don't want to be what changes your mind, but I want to be a part of that process.
I believe in choice.
I'm doing this because it's time I stopped being afraid. It's not the final victory, but it's one more under my belt.
I live in the past too much, hence why I listen to depressing music.
I like when people laugh at me, but sometimes I make you laugh or offend you to distract you from how I really feel.
I feel like once you're done with me, or once you've learned from me, I need to leave your life before you leave mine.
I'm learning to trust in God's promises of what He says about me. Tonight is one of those nights.
When I date someone, I want it to mean more than fear.
I'm more fearless than I used to be, but what I still fear is on the level of terror.
I break people down to biology and psychology because it makes them easier to understand.
When I touch you, I want to show you something important.
I ache to be held. Conversely, I ache to hold.
This may be one of the proudest moments I've had in a long time.

And I wonder what You think when You're staring down at me.

Now I know.

"I want that one. He's the one I love and the one I have many plans for. He's someone who I deem worthy to carry My Name and My Son."

Tonight, I've learned that grace will forever be a mystery, and finally, that's ok with me.

That He should give His only Son

2009-02-05T14:31:00.002-06:00

To make a wretch His treasure
How Deep the Father's Love for Us- Bethany Dillon

Each step brought a tremor through the old man's heart. Every inch closer was less time he had. "Stay here with the donkey," a shaky voice stated. "The boy and I will go worship and then...." His voice trailed off. Surely it would not be them both returning. "I will return shortly." Abraham sighed. Whatever had him so nervous caused the servants to look at each other awkwardly. The man had never been like this. Truly the fear of Abraham's God was great.

Fear of loss was such a close second.

Isaac ran from the donkey he had been playing near and grabbed the wood for the sacrifice and hoisted it on his shoulders proudly. "I've got it, dad," he said, puffing his chest slightly. "You can take the light stuff."

The barest of smiles twitched on Abraham's features, hidden under a worn visage, wrinkled and aged. Neither of them had a light burden. Isaac had no clue what he himself carried. In the same way, neither did the boy know what burden was crushing Abraham's heart.

"Come," he said quietly, taking careful steps as they began to ascend even higher on the mountain. Abraham turned, unwilling to show what emotions flickered through his eyes. The pride that Isaac had quickly withered. It was as though his father didn't notice how strong he'd become.

Abraham knew full well. It wasn't Isaac's strength in question. It was his own.

They continued in silence for a while before Isaac began to glance around. "Dad?" The boy frowned. Sacrifices required a sacrifice. "Dad, we've got the firewood and everything else..." For a moment, Isaac felt dumb. Surely his father wasn't this old... "But we have no sacrifice."

Though Isaac had spoken from behind him, Abraham made no effort to turn to the boy. The pause was not as Abraham thought of an answer, but kept himself from crying. "God will provide, my son." God had provided, and now He was taking away. The child of promise was just born to die? The celebration and laughter at the birth of Isaac was cut short by this. Abraham didn't understand. How could God do such a thing? A sigh escaped the man's lips and he took another step forward. "This is far enough."

Isaac's frown left him, but the concern in his eyes remained in an almost vigilant state. The boy was quiet as he set about preparing the area for the sacrifice. Dad was right, but something didn't sit well with him. Senses that only children have were perked up and alerting him of some danger, though he did not know what.

As Isaac turned to his father, he saw a tear soaked face staring down at him. In the man's hands were the rope and the knife. "Dad?" Like a flame just igniting, fear danced into the boy's eyes and tears flowed even freer. Abraham bit his lip. God will provide. God kept His promise before. God will provide.

As father took a step toward his son, Isaac understood. There was a moment of defiance that traced his face, but it fell quickly. The boy could fight and probably overpower the older man, but Isaac did nothing of the sort. "It's ok," he said quietly, tears streaking down the dirty face of the young boy. He trembled and swallowed, fighting the dryness that struck his throat. "God will provide. You said so, Dad." Isaac stepped backwards and took his place as the sacrifice, trying his best not to cry as ropes pressed against his skin.

Abraham lifted the boy onto the altar.

Jesus lifted the cross onto his bloodied shoulder. The weight pushed his body down and he coughed, stumbling forward as he looked toward the place of worship. Determination filled his teary eyes. Each step brought wince after wince, wood scraping muscle. Whatever skin had been left on his back was slowly ripping with each movement.

God will provide, Jesus thought. This was the act of worship, the final sacrifice. What God had started through Abraham would be finished here.

After all, God did not ask Abraham to do what He himself would not do.

With tears in His eyes, the Father from time before time, ordained the men to bind His son. Jesus felt the ropes against his arms. Soon it would be over. Soon it would be finished.

And six hours later, what God had began through Abraham and Isaac, had been completed by Father sacrificing Son.

How terrible an inheritance.

Keep us from just singing

2009-01-23T09:09:00.002-06:00

Move us into action.
God of Justice- Bethany Dillon and Matt Hammitt

Social action has been one of the more "hot" topics at my college lately. Chapel after chapel has been about the homeless, the poor, loving the different, and walking the walk rather than speaking words that edify only the church.

My point with this post is two-fold (I'm becoming a preacher...).
1. What is good Christian social action?
2. We (the called out ones) are justice.

We can sit there and discuss AIDS relief and sending money to the poor and clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, and those are amazing things to do. We embrace a life that other people wont even touch. Jesus said that whatever we do to the "least of these" we do to him. In giving our love and light to the poor (be it in finance, spirit, food, whatever) we exemplify Christ. We ourselves become replications of his life.

Where is the justice for the poor? For someone who has lost everything, where is the justice? If God cared, why doesn't He save them?

We are justice. (ohno! I went out of order on my points! I'm crazy!) To the hungry, we are justice. God's mercy and justice are intermingled in our social action for those in need. It is not a justice rooted in judgment, but a justice saturated with love reaching out to a voice crying out. We are not justices, we are justice. What does that imply?

It implies a certain amount of "hands-OFF" approach to others. We are not to make the decisions of others for them, we can't. God didn't do that to us. As I recall, we were placed in the very same garden as the Tree of Knowledge. We were practically put next to our detriment. Why? Because justice allows for choice. To rend free-will from someone is not just, it is taking the redemptive opportunity away. We say, somewhat inaccurately, "If God was just then he would stop [event] from ever happening."

Then how many times would God have stopped you? Would you be who you are today? Do you call it justice to have your free will taken from you? Oh, now we're stepping on toes here. It's ok to have other people's free-will interfered with, but not mine. Consider that for a moment. God allows me to sin. Ergo, I have my own will, my own (albeit conflicting) desires, and I act on them.

If God stopped me now, wouldn't that tell Jesus that His sacrifice wasn't enough?

Let's take this a step further. What about legal issues?

Should we decide for someone whether or not they can have an abortion?
Does God's example allow for us to decide whether or not we can keep gay marriage illegal?

Or did Jesus tell us to give someone our tunic also when they ask for our jacket? Do we walk two miles with someone when we're only asked to walk one? (Referencing Mt. 5:38-42) Are those verses talking about something else entirely?

What really is God's idea of social and legal action? Do you think we're hitting the mark?

If nothing else

2009-01-13T19:40:00.002-06:00

I can dream, I can dream.
If Nothing Else- Over the Rhine

So yes. New year. I am, somewhat, behind on my blogging in that fact.... I wish I could say it's because I have a life, but really, I'm just not thinking about sharing my thoughts.

You see, part of this new year has been examination. And, like Mary, it's something I'm treasuring up in my heart. I'm starting down this path on being someone else, someone I like.

I'm trusting what God has to say I am, rather than looking at myself in my sin.

It's like this. We sit here and say to God, "We're sinful, we're filth compared to you, our hearts are dripping with disgust!" We think that's piety, but that's wrong.

That's selfish. That's trusting our assessment of ourselves.

God says otherwise.

I could tell you what God thinks of you, but I dare you to find it for yourself. And when you do find it, trust it. Trust it more than anything.

It'll make all the difference.

No one believed her

2008-12-28T05:02:00.002-06:00

No one imagined it was true...
New World- Toby Mac

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."- Robert Frost

(This blog post HEAVILY influenced by Chapter 2 of "True Faced" by Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and John Lunch. I definitely recommend this book for anyone.)

I have this problem with pleasing God. I like to try to do it. I like to do something and know that God is glorified. My motivation is making sure that God is happy with what I am doing. This seems wonderful, until we break it into it's components. When this is the primary motivation of our hearts we end up so much more hurt than we realize.

After all, if all we want is to please God, we begin with self-effort. I'll do this for God. That leads to Good intentions, which then leads to "Working on my sin to achieve an intimate relationship with God." It's a sincere goal. It's something we've heard all our lives. That goal reduces Godliness to "More right behavior + Less wrong behavior = Godliness". At first glance, we think it makes sense, but it doesn't. That leads us to a prison of good behavior, because, with this equation, God's only pleased with us when we do good. Suddenly we're working on our sin to make God happy, which puts us next in line to Abraham for the altar.

We're sacrificing things to make God happy, to appease him for our sin.

All of this started with the motivation of our hearts being to please God, but in the end, we tell him that Jesus was a lame sacrifice and he should shut up about grace because we've brought our own lamb.

We can do it. We can fix our sin and make that relationship right. It's up to us to "get right" with God because we've fallen so far. Our sin cut us off from God.

"Pleasing God" turned rather egotistical, didn't it?

Back in the New Testament, there's another motivation. Jesus (the lamb we rejected) brought another option. His death and resurrection opened a whole new route. TRUSTING God. You might be thinking (as I certainly did) "Hold on, trusting is pleasing to God." You might also be thinking (as again, I did), "That doesn't seem like it covers everything."

It does, and it blew me away.

When we put pleasing God before trusting God, we put obeying Him before being intimate with Him.

Let me start this part of the post with a quote. "God is not interested in changing you. He already has." (Written to those who have accepted Christ.)

Wait, but we have sin. I have sin. I struggle with pornography and lust and bitterness and (insert list here). I have issues that need addressed, but I have already been changed. These issues will fall when I trust what I've been changed into. It's that simple.

I was bought with a price (1 Cor 6:20), I have been forgiven (1 John 2:12), and fully justified (Gal 2:16). I am delivered from darkness (Col 1:13) and will not come to condemnation (John 5:24). I am a child of light (Eph 5:8), renewed by the Holy Spirit (Titus 3:5), and loved by God (2 Thess 2:13).

You see? Nothing we do will make us more righteous than we are, and in the same way, will make us less righteous. We are saints. Yes, we sin, and that is a problem and that is a disgust to God, but we have been imprinted with something greater than sin. We have Christ in us (John 14:20). Yes, verse 21 says that those who love Christ follow his commands and says that obedience is vastly important.

But that's where we trip up. We put more importance on pleasing God than Trusting. If we TRUST, we will want to obey, not for the sake of pleasing, but because God is pleased in us. Because we are maturing in worship and in truth. When we Trust God, we stand with Him, in front of our sin, and deal with it together in light of what He says we are.

We are more than conquerors. We are greater than the world. Even as we sin, we are righteous and forgiven.

How indescribably awe-inspiring. It creates a fear that I'm not good enough, that those things cannot apply to me.

Instead of obeying and trusting, it is time I trust and obey.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

the antonym of me

2008-12-24T00:01:00.002-06:00

you are divinity
"Wholly Yours"- David Crowder

Let me start this particular blog post off with a link.

There seems to be a Jesus for every occasion. Jesus of the Week. Let's see, we have Jesus in the club, or Jesus as a hobbit, or what about everyone's favorite surfer, Wave-Rider Jesus...

At first I was kind of offended. I mean, really, is it necessary? What's the point? And where did they get the idea for that anyways?

After further scrutiny, the answer "high fived me in the face".

Christians.

That's right. We have a Jesus for all occasions ourselves, don't we? We have merciful Jesus for those inside the church, patriot Jesus for those countries that dare think less of America, conservative Jesus to show them democrats what's what, liberal Jesus to show republicans what "grace" is, teacher Jesus for those who think he wasn't so saviortastic, hippie Jesus who is all about free lovins, terminator Jesus for when we want to throw some regulations around, Jesus up on the cross (cause we all know he just decided to stick around there) or resurrected Jesus...

Christians could have a "Jesus of the Week" if we wanted to, and often do. Jesus is dictated by our mood.

With that as their example, why would the world act any differently?

After all, we don't combine all of our ideas. Too often in evangelism we ignore some aspects of Jesus. In the church we don't talk about certain teachings of Christ because they're uncomfortable and Consumerist Barbie Jesus wants us to have new houses and shiny cars.

What about the Jesus that fought for the sinners, ate with tax collectors, and laughed with the disciples? What of the Jesus who didn't come to pick a side, but to unite them? What about the Jesus who, by all physical means, should have had leprosy and diseases because of how often he held out his hand to someone who was hurting?

Father, take away my Multiple-Personality-Disorder Jesus and please just give me the real guy. Help me to see all of him, even when it hurts.

You took my heart of stone and You made it home

2008-12-11T02:13:00.002-06:00

and set this prisoner free.
Hallelujah- Bethany Dillon

I'd like to open this particular blog post with a quote from Dr. Rodney Reeves blog.

Obedience is boring when things are going well.

That's when I'm tempted by the enticement: think of all the things you're missing because you don't . . . .

I must admit: the allurement of sin makes me wonder about the forbidden. Why not spice up your life with a little indulgence?

The problem is: I fear God.

I'm afraid He will say, "So, let's get this straight. Life is so good, every once in a while you get bored. Want a little action? Want to shake things up a little? A little intensity? Want to go to a place where you long for the good ol' days, when good things were predictably boring?"

I reflected on this for several moments, which is not near enough I'm sure, but I came up with this.

The allurement of sin is enticing, entangling, and altogether, pleasing. What is my problem then? What stops me from sinning?

Nothing. I do not fear God as I should. In fact, God is all the more a reason for me to sin.

I like to be right. When I feel like God should give up on me, I want to be right. I want to prove that I can make God change His mind about me. I'm stubborn.

Part of me enjoys the thrill. Maybe He'll punish me and give me a good solid reason in my life to fear Him. I admit that.

For some reason, God has given me grace. This tantalizing sin which I cling to and lust after is not enough to cause God to stop loving me.

Perhaps the fear of the LORD is not always trembling for punishment. Perhaps I have fear. After all, when I'm at my lowest, I can't look on the face of Love and see the eyes that see potential in me. I'm afraid of the outstretched arms that say, "Please, just come back."

I cannot abide my Father pleading with me or feeling pity for me. It scares me. It hurts me.

I don't understand it. It should be temporary, just like anything else. Aside of Styrofoam and cockroaches, everything has an end.

It is in Grace and Love, not punishment, that I find the most fear. It is in the pity and the comfort that I want to run. I'll lie down in the bed I've made, but I'm afraid to look in the face of the One who says to me, "I'll take this one, there's something better for you over there."

So, for some reason, I run from God altogether. After all, the God who preserved Ninevah is the God that preserves the very stone heart that He calls a home. The Father who turned His eyes from His Son on the Cross turned those eyes to me.

In the time that He had to look away, He looked to me.

And He saw potential. He saw someone to love.

How absolutely terrifying.

And the truest sign of grace is this

2008-12-09T09:45:00.001-06:00

From wounded hands redemption fell, liberating man.
Wholly Yours- David Crowder Band

Learning about grace is a very two-sided experience for me. On one hand, it's exciting and I want more. It's confusing in a good way and I feel freed of responsibility. I don't have to work for it, which might be more the lesson than learning that I can't work for it. Grace is given. God is reaching.

But sometimes I get afraid. I mean, when someone gives us gifts and we barely know them, we tend to shy away. When you feel like a stranger to someone, yet the continually romance us, we feel strange. Sometimes the attention is emancipating, others it's sickening. I look at myself and don't see things the way God does and quite frankly believe that He could do better. For some reason I believe I can see things clearer than God.

But I can't. I simply cannot accept Truth in an easy way.

Perhaps this is what it means to work out our salvation in fear and trembling.

Rain always helps me to accept Grace. I feel washed in something that just falls. Sure, I can give scientific reasons for the rain and explain why pollutants have made the rain kinda nasty even. Even through that, the rain still seems to have a cleansing undercurrent where it's more about the symbol than the water itself.

Rainy nights and talks with God tend to help me so much more than anything else.

What helps you?

Like anyone would be

2008-12-03T18:35:00.002-06:00

I am flattered by your fascination with me.
"Uninvited"- Alanis Morissette

I've had some interesting thoughts, some very good thoughts, some kinda dark.

Let's look at this one. The parable of the prodigal son. And Jesus. His birth I mean.

If we reacted to Jesus' death in a perfect world, the story would come full circle with the prodigal son. Jesus would have come to earth (Woohoo Christmas!) and we would have come back to a Father.

Looking at the way Jesus viewed fatherhood, I wonder what he remembered from his time before humanity?

What was God like during this time?

Did He watch with pride as His Son was born? Did He cry knowing the infant would bear so much pain? Did part of Him want the childhood to never end and let Jesus never know the pain and sorrow he had to endure?

Did God ever reach down when Jesus tripped as a child? Did He ever blow wind through His Son's hair, just to remind the boy he wasn't alone? Did He ever walk next to His Son or reach down and brush his face as Jesus slept?

And what of Jesus, fully human and fully God? Did he ever speak with child like confidence and authority? Did he ever have to come to terms with what he was sent to do? Did he ever take a hammer to a nail simply to see a glimpse into what would happen? When Mary was mocked by others as having been pregnant before marriage, did Jesus ever look to her and, with the love of Father and Child intertwined, tell her that he made her wonderful and beautiful?

Did he ever tell Joseph, "You're not my dad, you can't tell me what to do..."? When his friends were hurting, did he ever heal them and raise a finger to his lips and go "Shhhhhh..."?

I suppose I have my ideas of what things were like. What do you think?

I tried to be perfect

2008-11-04T08:44:00.002-06:00

but nothin' was worth it.
Pieces- Sum 41

Ever get caught up in a whirlwind of "doing"? No? Then stop reading because we probably don't have much else in common anyways.

I have this issue where I constantly feel the need to be doing. Be it one thing or another I have to prove myself in some arena of self-indulgent battle. I'm not satisfied unless I'm doing. When I'm not then I'm useless, and when I am doing but failing, I'm useless.

God's not so hardcore on that. I'm mega more a "doer" than I think I need to be. Don't get me wrong, I'm all up on James 2, but it gets to the point where I worship myself. Whoah, Buddha say what?

Think about it. If I'm all, "Look, I did this for you," then the underlying message is, "Look WHAT I can do." If I do something for you, I don't have to tell you. I don't have to call attention to it, I just do it and am satisfied in the knowledge that, applause or not, you're helped.

So when I'm doing stuff FOR God, I'm not satisfied in the fact that it was worship, I like the attention. Whore of Babylon. Not quite that extreme, maybe, but you get the point.

I have this need to be doing things. I may not say, "Look at it," but the fact that I feel useless when I'm simply resting bothers me. Lots.

How do you temper the need for works with living worship and simply allowing things to be done?

I was so unique

2008-10-29T06:43:00.002-05:00

Now I feel skin deep.
Beautiful- Bethany Dillon

It's funny how when we just let our perceptions wander everything can change.

Seek ye first the kingdom.

Guess I'm a damn screw up pretty often.

Sorry, Dad. I know that You're there with open arms, I just wish we wouldn't keep meeting like this.

"You step inside my heart and I am amazed."

When nothing comes from trying

2008-10-27T06:39:00.003-05:00

Just remember, I believe in you.
I believe in you- Bethany Dillon

I've been up most of the night in the small chapel. Just praying, singing, and doing some thinking.

I've not come up with anything profound or anything enlightening to anyone else. There was no flash of light, no epiphany, no breaking rush of emotion.

It was just like any other visit to the chapel.

You know what, God's in those times too.

I'm not sayin' there wasn't nothin' wrong

2008-09-30T10:43:00.003-05:00

I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
"Leave"- Matchbox 20

I guess life seems different
From the outside looking in
As if in a prism or crystal
The many facets are undeniable.

They called it a new beginning.
I wonder if they really believed that.

Whether or not I feel new
I guess I'm trying.
Somedays more than others.

Today I just want to go back to bed.

The calmer of the sea here in this room with me

2008-04-24T03:17:00.002-05:00

so gently welcoming the weakest things in me...
Let Your Light Shine, Bethany Dillon

Four day old ramen sits in an un-recyclable styrofoam cup.
The fork I used to eat half of it is still in there. I can smell mold growing.
I figured I'd just buy an air freshener. You never know when you need something.
"Waste not, want not," I think the phrase goes. I'm not really sure.
I don't keep up with quotations.

I kicked up the dirt as my face hit the road.
I had just stumbled forward.
I can't tell, but I know I was hungry three days ago.
Maybe my stomach ate itself.

"Waste not, want not," I think the phrase goes.
I'm not really sure.

our lives are made

2008-04-08T01:47:00.002-05:00

in these small hours, in these little wonders...
"Little Wonders," Rob Thomas

I could see it in the distance
Driving closer through the Arizona desert
I could have claimed it as a mirage
But falsehood doesn't wear well
Against plaid integrity.

It was a Jeep
Kicking up sand and small rocks
As it came closer to me.
I saw a glint of light off of
The driver's sunglasses
And thought random songs
From the Eighties seemed fitting.

It really is surprising
The parallels you can draw
When you're dehydrated
And delirious.

just three miles from the rest stop

2008-04-02T20:09:00.003-05:00

and she slams on the brakes
"Rest Stop", Matchbox 20

"While you were sleeping I was listening to the radio and wondering what you're dreaming
When it came to mind that I didn't care..."

I stood in semi-confused awe. There was no reason things should be so different, but when the bustle and hustle of the day is stripped to reveal the nakedness of time your sight changes.

Everything changes.

There's some moments that change your life and you never know them unless you're acutely aware of it. Some moments are so huge that you can't help but know you can't go back to who you were with the knowledge you have now.

Standing before two pieces of wood, I knew I couldn't go back. My head had all the answers.

My heart was another story.

The lawn beside me was suddenly Eden and the wind that blew through my hair was sweet-smelling, as if perfume had been sprayed. If I sank to my knees, I knew I wouldn't be low enough.

I stood there. Realizing that I had no right to question why I had been chosen.

I just knew I had to say yes.

You see, the funny thing about being chosen...
...You don't have a choice.